Why Do Marriages Fail (Part 9)
Expecting one’ partner to be perfect is based on the false belief that one’s own criteria is correct. While there are undoubtly certain absolute standards of conduct such as honesty and courtesy etc. there is an inexhaustible supply of other things which are highly subjective. Seeing these as being absolute standards of conduct will only result in an equally inexhaustibtle barrage of criticism. While it is difficult to prioritise what is important or not, it is certain that a lack of prioritisation will only destroy a relationship
So here a few guidelines on how to communicate areas of concern with spouse:
Criticise actions not the person: Contrary to popular belief actions are not necessarily a reflection of what a person is trully capable of. Criticism should therefore be directed at showing what the person is capable of doing right rather than what he or she is doing wrong without negative sweeping generalisations of your partner’s personality.
Express your feelings and faults: When one feels pain the tendency is to lash out at that source of that pain. If that person is your spouse then they will feel under personal attack. To avoid this internalise your pain by expressing your feelings. This will deflect any criticism of your partner while drawing attention to what is the source of your distress.
Explain your feelings: When one is flooded with negative feelings one makes the assumption that one’s partner automatically understands their emotions. And since these feelings are negative one also believes that one’s partner’s intent was malicious. It is vital to explain what is bothering you while trying to ferret what are your partner’s true motives.
Do not generalize: Avoid resentment building up as this inevitably leads to generalisations which are not only inacurrate but will only invoke retaliation from your spouse who will feel both demeaned and angry. Instead remove sweeping assessments and replace them will a more balanced appraisal of your partner’s actions.
Constructive Criticism: Constructive criticism is designed to empower the listener while destructive criticism puts him or her down. Destructive criticism focus on what what went wrong. Constructive criticism is a guide on what your partner can do right. By its very nature constructive constructive pre-empts defensive responses from your partner while ensuring a greater likelihood of compliance which is not akin to surrender.
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