It is an often an overlooked fact that communication is not only an expression of reality but reality is in turn shaped by communication. Even in the most distressing of situations positive communication is the key to motivating one for positive change. The corollary also holds whereby one word has the power to derail an otherwise mutually beneficial relationship.

Effective communication is vital to a successful marriage. Perhaps more than any other relationship, two parties are constantly living with each and without effective communication any intimacy, trust and bonding will be impossible.

Marriages often fail because of a lack of effective communication. Any potential compatibility between couples is destroyed because of confrontational, one sided, anger prone communication based on a black and white, polarised views. Read More.

Taking turns speaking is crucial to effective communication between partners for dating and marriage. Both parties cannot talk and be heard at the same time. However, communication breaks down because:

• one partner does not let the other finish
• or the partner is not listening because he or she is concentrating what to say next

The result is that no-one is heard. Not only is the conversation wasted but things are exacerbated as both parties conclude that any discussion is useless and in fact is best be avoided to prevent escalation. Consequently there is no conflict resolution and no chance for the relationship to grow. Read More.

As noted taking turns speaking is crucial to effective communication between partners for dating and marriage. However, for such effective communication to take place the following rules:

Timing:Select the right moment to address your partner. You can either ask directly or look for phyiscal and verbal cues. If your partner is still not available then ask what time is best to communicate later.

Avoid Insults: Often a partner is hurt and believe that the best to deal with it is to their vent anger using insults. However, this merely exacerbates things by invoking defencesness. Look for words to create a problem solving environment by making yourself tolerable to be listened to by your spouse. Read More.

In our previous video we outlined some rules for effective communication to take place between partners. Now we shall outline some more rules which are vital to maintaining marital harmony.:

Identify principles: Often partners let their emotions fuel long winded narratives that fail to identify the underlying principles that are causing conflict. In order to retain your spouse’s attention keep things short and to the point. Human attention span is limited which is excerbated by the tendency to issue defensive responses if one partners takes too long in what is already an emotional charged atmosphere.

Validate feelings: There is a tendency to invalidate people’s feelings using elaborate proofs. However, such proofs are often marshalled to support a particular perspective which do not take into account the feelings of the other partner. Read More.

Maintain visual contact: To be understood it is important for both the speaker and listener to have sight of each other. Though words in themselves are powerful medium of communications, one’s ability to express oneself to one’s spouse is greatly enhanced by body language, facial expressions and so forth. Indeed one gesture can say more than words if applied correctly. Moreover, having visual contact is a tacit acknowledgement of the legitimacy of one’s spouse irrespective of whether there is disagreement of a few particular and often transient issues.

Emphasize the positive: When having disagreements, couples often allow anger to rule them and make derogatory sweeping statements about each other. This merely exacerbates matters by eliciting defensive responses. Though some spouses find this difficult to do it is far more diplomatic to initiate the conversation with something positive. Read More.

Listening is often more important than speaking. When we speak we often say more things about ourselves. But when we listen we gain insights into the speaker. It is these insights which can be used to develop ourselves. In the context of marriage and dating, listening especially, requires discipline. This is because we are often criticized which, by its very nature, is painful.

Hearing reproof requires discipline and patience. However, if used constructively such reproof can be harnessed to develop oneself. Though reproof smacks upon one’s ego it is precisely this that will open the door for improvement. And often the best sources for reproof is from one’s partner – the very same person that one lives with every day.

Listening also has other major benefits. Read More.

For effective communication to take place between partners some old dysfunctional habits have to be broken. Though these habits are ingrained they nonetheless can be weeded out by devoting a few minutes a day of consistent exercises in having productive dialogues. For such dialogues to be effective they should have the following features:

• Both partners should agree on a topic and schedule a specific time and place to speak
• If the topic is a problem solving exercise then ideally problems should be prioritised to remove points of contention
• If the topic is of a more mundane nature then it should be designed to identify common interests

Read More.

Loving relationships are based on positive feelings between partners. Expressing approval of your partner conveys such positive feelings. Approval can be divided into instrinsic approval of your partner as they are or approval of what your partner actually does.Intrinsic approval involves situations constraints such as looks, wealth, education and so forth. When given, such intrinsic approval is more of a reflection of your partner’s circumstances and by its very nature has less significance

Approval of your partner’s actions, however, is more significant as it directly reflects on how you actually view your partner’s behaviour. Here people make two major mistakes. They often misjudge their partner and such misjudgements tend to be negative. The other mistake is corollary of the first wherby they don’t give even partial credit. Read More.

Today we are going to discuss voicing critism of one’s spouse. Criticism of one’s spouse is an invetable part of marriage. However, what decides whether such criticism is effective is how it is delivered. Harsh criticism can leave hostility which can last for days, if not even longer. But criticism with different wording and a different tone would be more likely to be considered and accepted.

Ensure that your positive comments outweigh your negative ones by a wide margin to reduce and even pre-empt any hositility from your spouse. This is because negative words have influence significantly out of proportion to the time it talk to speak them. Remember it is far easier to undermine a relationship than to maintain it. Read More.

Often the dating process involves meeting a total stranger. It therefore often vital that you have to make enquiries about your prospective date to identify any issues which may cause needless pain later. However, people lack the skills to make effective enquiries. So here are four golden rules.

• Know what to ask. 
• Know how to ask it. 
• Know whom to ask. 
• And perhaps the most importantly, know how to interpret the results.

Remember the words we speak and hear are not based on... Read More.

Dating is more prone to failure than most other things. So to cope with any setbacks here are some tips:

First, dating is a learning curve. Sometimes it is not clear what went wrong on a date, but it is imperative to find out to avoid repetitive self defeating patterns.

Second, a failure on one date does not predicate failure in the next date as people and situations vary significantly from one moment to the next

Third, networking is essential so hook into some social circle. Read More.

If you don’t listen to your date and respect their goals and aspirations then they most probably won’t listen to yours. If you don’t give something of value up front then you are far likely not to connect with your date. And all what is required here is simply to show sensitivity to the needs of your prospective match. There is no need to even share goals. The only requirement is to listen and empathise with the other person’s aspirations. Ironically it takes less energy to listen as opposed to talking. And by doing so you develop yourself in two ways.

First you increase your level of sensitivity to others.

Second, you show that you are worthy of respect by respecting others. Read More.

In our previous video we discussed four golden rules on how to enquire about a prospective match. Let’s look at rule one: Know what to ask: One major flaw is that people fail to prioritise what really makes a date work. It will be helpful to think of this in terms of objective versus subjective information.

Objective information involves flawed character traits, definite health and emotional problems and so forth. Subjective information pertains to intelligence, looks, hobbies etc.

As a general rule objective information is more crucial for a successful marriage and this information must be sought. Subjective information, however, by its very nature is far less deterministic and thus needn’t be sought as much objective information. Read More.