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Developing Interest


Keeping your date interested in you

If you want to keep your date interested in you and avoid being saddled with the wrong date it is vital to set boundaries and standards. So what are boundaries and standards? Setting boundaries is used to avoid making yourself vulnerable to someone by controlling your availability. It defines the so called "event horizon" when you either say "Yes" or "No" to a prospective date. Setting standards are your rules which govern your interactions once you are in a relationship. Though boundaries and standards are supposed to work in tandem they often interfere with each other. So letís do an exercise on how to avoid this.Julie mets Doug for the first time. Julie likes Doug so it is a "Yes". Doug wants to see Julie again so he asks her to a restaurant. Julie responds that she isnít interested in going. Doug understands that Julie doesnít want to see him. Read More.


How can I date if I am not attractive

Concerned that you are not overly physically attractive? Do you think that this is hindering your dating prospects? Contrary to popular belief, having good looks is actually a disadvantage because it can have a very blinding effect on both parties.But this is not an excuse to pay attention to oneís looks. Rather one should concentrate on projecting yourself holistically. In other words, the so called average looks actually confers an advantage in that one is more inclined to concentrate on presenting oneself as a person and not merely an object. It is personality and looks by their very partnership which confers the best chance of finding your match.So how can you best project yourself to attract someone you like? The underlying issue is security. If someone shows appreciation of what you have accomplished rather than what you are merely born with then this is the ulimate barometer of oneís desirability. Read More.


Making Yourself Vulnerable

Marriage is an awesome undertaking as it will dictate with whom you will live with for rest of your life. Dating is designed to take the risk out of marrying the wrong person by allowing you to size up your potential spouse before committing yourself. However, the dating process itself is risk prone because you have to make yourself vulnerable to a potential stranger. But without vulnerability you will not be able to connect with the person. So how can you be vulnerable without incurring significant risk? To answer this we must understand what is meant by vulnerability. Simply put it means that you put yourself in the position of being hurt. It is this fear of incurring pain that prevents people from properly dating and in some cases not dating at all. In short vulnerability means two things: fear and pain. Deal with fear: Fear is borne out of the unknown. In other words, the more you know then the less you fear. Read More.


Dating be yourself

It is common knowledge that people feel more comfortable in certain situations than others. In dating this is crucial to know to maximize your confidence to approach someone or be approachable. So it may be helpful to use the following parameters to select which situations are best for you:

One: Large crowds versus small gatherings

Two: Specific get togethers for dating versus more general groups for education or recreational activities

Read More.


Dating for Introverts

Introverts in particular find it awkward and painful to reach out to anyone let alone a potential date. Often they are held back by fear of rejection, especially if that rejection happens in public.So letís look at 5 strategies that an introvert can use to approach a date.
One: Accept that you are going to be rejected. This may sound couter intuitive. However, believing that you are not going to get what you want pre-empts dissappointment and the pain which comes with it. In other words "what have you got to loose". This help removes tension because you have already prepared for a negative response. This in turn leaves breathing space to muster the confidence which is so vital for projecting yourself positively to a stanger irrespective of the consequences.
Two: Lower expectations: If you are approaching a date in the same way you are proposing to marry someone then this creates an exagerated sense of significance. Read More.


Maintaining Interest


Gaining by giving

Ever wondered how couples who have so much wealth, status and physical appeal still divorce while others still stay together even under adverse conditions. In some cases itís lack of personality compatibility but for others the reason is deeper.

To understand this look at an orchestra. It is composed of many different instruments yet they all succeed in producing music together. This degree of harmony is such that even if one instrument is out of key then the whole performance can be ruined. It is both the difference between instruments and their ability work together that can produce rich and harmonious sounds that no single instrument can achive in its own right. So it is with marriage.

Each partner in a marriage is a universe in their own right. Read More.


Givers versus takers

What is the basis of people who love each other so much that they are prepared to make ongoing sacrfices for each other? This question is more pertinent more than ever before with Western society lauding the virtues of so called true love but at the same time is plagued with the highest divorce rates in history. Western society emphasizes taking but the basis of love is giving. According to one sage a taker aspires to draw anything within his reach to himself without giving anything in return. This is done even when there is nothing to be gained except rejoicing in the failure of oneís neighbour. A taker operates on a win-loose mentality where there is no corporation but only competition where ultimately no one gains.A giver on the other hand puts himself into others. The more he gives then the more he sees himself in the other person. In other words he gives of himself to make the greater whole. He is a win-win person who rejoices at the success of others. Read More.


Grow in Adversity

Why do marriage thrive under adverse conditions and why do other marriages dissolve when conditions actually improve? This is a perplexing question as if anything you would expect the opposite.

So letís look at what does and does not make a true relationship.

We all have need for security in a marriage. Often people equate security with wealth, status, reputation, education, health, age and so forth. However, even a cursory examination of these factors points to one thing Ė they are all external to the person.

So if these factors are taken away then by extension we may loose interest in the person. But clearly this is not always the case. Read More.


Dealing with Selfish Dates

There are three levels to a person. When someone looks after you. When you look after yourself and when you look after someone else. The last level is the highest level. Here you give of yourself to make the greater whole. But what happens if you decide not to reciprocate? And what happens if that person is your date?

Even if you donít like your date it is not an excuse to avoid saying "please" or "thank you". These little gestures speak volumes and are an early indicator if you are worth dating again. Even if things do not work out then you at least realise that this person may recommend you to someone else. You never know where help can come from. It just takes a few words and you can turn a potential failure into success just be giving a little bit of yourself for just a few moments. Read More.


How to Effectively Bond

How do we avoid marriages where two people separate lives under the same roof instead of merging together as one. In other words how do we build a durable marriage.

First we must detach ourselves from what is portrayed in mass media. Here love is portrayed as a glorification of baser instincts centered on physical and emotional gratification without thought for the other parties needs let alone on how to best meet them. The interactions between couples portrayed in mass media is shallow at best and highly misleading at worst. Instead of solving problems they create them as couples come with totally different expectations which are generally self centred with each party potentially seeing the other as a threat if their respective needs are not met.

Read More.


What are the stages of marriage?

What are the stages which couples undergo to merge together? That is, what are the key milestones of a relationship which denote the degrees of bonding between couples?

To understand this we have to define the goals of marriage.

In the lowest form marriage means absence of conflict whereby couples maintain contact because it serves their common interests and no more. Here each marriage partner is prepared to fulfil his duties to his spouse. But each partner remains a separate and distinct identity. They live in peace by avoiding quarrels but there is little emotional attachment.

The next level of marriage is when people join together to reach a common goal which neither can achieve by themselves. Read More.


No Double Dating

Networking skills are vital to the dating process. After all the less choice you have then the harder it is to find your match. However, going to the opposite extreme and dating several people at once detracts from your chances of finding your match instead of increasing it. This is because it is more difficult to focus on any one person coupled with the expectation that someone better is always going to come along.

Think of it this way: What will happen if the person you were dating founds out that you were dating someone else. They will hurt. They will feel cheapened. But just as importantly they will not trust you and probably warn others not to do so either. So just pause and reflect for a moment. If you are blessed with networking skills then use those skills to search for your match instead of exploiting others. Read More.


Why dates fail

The reason why people live such lonely lives is that they concentrate on winning while the other person looses. They are concerned about meeting their own needs without caring about the needs of others. It is this attitude which makes people predisposed to judging their prospective partner negatively on dates.

So think before speaking. Has your date really done a wrong or it is merely because you are judging from your own narrow vantage point?

Remember you wonít be able to take your words back once you spoken them. So is it really worth speaking at all if it causes unnecesary pain and derailing your date? You have a choice between enduring what seems to be an infringement or living alone. Read More.


Dealing with Rejection


Coping with Rejection

When you date someone you are dating an image of the person and not the person themselves. You do not see the person in others situations and consequently your perception of your date is often limited and misleading. The significance of any words spoken in a dating situation is often magnified. Without further additional information about the person any words spoken are over scrutinized and are giving meanings which were never intended.

It is therefore not surprising that any rejections, particularly if they occur, early in the dating process have little or not significance

This does not mean that you should analyse what happened and learn from it. Rather you should not... Read More.


Dealing with Rejection

Learning to take a No for an answer: In our previous blog, we outlined how dating rejections often have little or no significance, particular in the early stages of a relationship. Now we will go deeper and provide a little 5 point check list to not only help cushion the blow of any rejection but indeed grow from it.

Ongoing suffering versus transient pain: One of the greatest fears anyone has is to be rejected. But rejection is a relative concept. You wouldnít mind being rejected by someone who you found out was going to significantly hurt you later if the relationship was going to continue. Nor would you feel as much pain if that rejection was based on false perception of who you really are. Yes, there is still the sting of being told "no". But it is still clear that if your relationship was going to continue it will lead to ongoing suffering later... Read More.


Overcoming Rejection

It is vital to identify those situations which best bring out your confidence when dating. But how do you deal with rejections which inevitably happen. The first technique is not only identify those existing situations which work for you but think of always adding new means to network. This creates a so called safety net where you can utilize to source potential matches if your current date fails.

However, truly overcoming and potentially growing from rejection should be independent of your situation. It is built in what is termed "pain tolerance". When a person experiences pain their intrinsic response is to stop it or at least avoid it. In the context of dating this expresses itself by people limiting their interaction with others to avoid potential rejections. While this is valid for someone who has rejected you and is likely to do so again... Read More.


Confidence in Dating

Have you been rejected for the most inane reasons that have nothing to do with whom you really are? In this video we are going to discuss how to not only accept rejections but even to grow from them.

Compare a date to taking an exam. Can you judge a personís soul by subjecting it to a few and often misleading impressions. Certainly not but thatís what people do this all the time.

Some people find it difficult to date and marry because:

  • They lack of networking skills
  • Have limited presentation
  • Are situation sensitive...Read More.

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